Guilt Over Returning

Article By: Abby Paras

Photos By: Zachary Lutzky

A Post-it Note plea displayed from one of the windows of the Ludwell Apartments

Every day, I wake up and check the news. Every day, without fail, there’s some sort of update on Virginia schools in relation to COVID-19. Whether it’s an increase in cases at VCU or JMU going online, it’s hard not to wonder if we’ll be next.

As a freshman, I was part of the first group to move onto campus. Every day, I’m reminded of what a mistake that might have been. With every new disaster to strike William & Mary and Virginia schools in general, I feel a fresh wave of guilt wash over me when I think about how I chose to come back to a school full of people in the middle of a pandemic.

Am I responsible for any new cases? Was this all pointless? How long until we get sent home? These are questions that run through my head on a daily basis.

Perhaps the tipping point was the revelation that the Kallaco tests were deemed invalid for home testing by the FDA. Once that information was made public, it was all I could think about. What if I was actually positive? What if I had unknowingly spread COVID-19 to the surrounding Williamsburg community during my Wawa runs? The late response from any officials was not reassuring, and most of it was still not transparent enough for any students’ liking. I hated that no one seemed to know what to do. I still have no idea what direction things are going.

All of the uncertainty makes it impossible to plan. Sometimes, I forget we’re in a pandemic and start making plans to go out shopping or meet with friends. Then I remembered that my going out even for a few hours could potentially endanger the lives of others. That’s all it takes to send me back down a spiral of guilt and shame. I think of how I’ve potentially endangered the lives and jobs of the staff at William & Mary and how I made the conscious choice to come here. I can find no one to blame but myself.

The longer I stay on campus and the more I get used to things, the harder it is to remember that we’re in a pandemic. It almost feels normal now to sanitize my hands every time I walk into a building and to put on a mask for my class that meets over Zoom. I start to forget that people on the outside are being affected by the virus that’s still raging. I’m privileged enough to go to a school where the majority of students take the COVID-19 procedures seriously. I have to remember that I’m not completely in the William & Mary bubble.

It’s a constant struggle to prove to myself that I’m not the bad guy. After all, hundreds of other students came back to campus, and none of us tested positive during the first round of random tests. Things have been kept under control. So, am I really in the wrong? I never really know what to think.

It’s not to say that I’m completely unhappy here. There are plenty of benefits to being on campus. I can actually meet people (albeit with masks and staying six feet apart) and feel somewhat productive. I can visit Swem or the ISC and get work done—which is infinitely better than staying in my room and attending class from my basement. I can finally feel like an adult and get a ‘real’ college experience, which I’ve been waiting for since my graduation from high school. I know that it’s important for me to get a good college experience. I just wish that the risks weren’t so high.

*Note: The article was republished due to website maintenance and grammatical issues. The original publication date is September 22nd, 2020.